*sigh*
I miss this place. I actually forgot about its existence until a week or so ago when I happened to randomly stumble across it via Google and since then I have been waiting for the right post to appear to come back with.
A lot has happened since I last posted in July.
I'm not pregnant (still) BUT that's ok. We are having tests while at the same time using the Clear Blue Fertility Monitor which I'll be honest, was exciting at first but has now become a bit of a chore. And quite a passion killer. Being told when to have sex by a machine is a little boring and quite regularly causes an argument over 'pressure' *rolls yes* but it has to be done and for the first time in a long time, I am 'ok' about not being pregnant. And being the last of my Angel friends not to be. My Doctor has finally prescribed me with Levothyroxine (3 yrs and 6 months late) which has helped with the tiredness, mood swings and appetite - which has ultimately helped with the weight gain, so onwards and upwards we go.
I went on secondment in August until October over to the dark side i.e HR. I truly believed I would LOVE it, however, I hated most of it. But I learnt a hell of a lot. Which was great in itself. I did things in those three months that Id never done before - I held presentations, I sat in on executive meetings with people who truly believed I knew what I was talking about. I did quite a few home visits and sat in on grievance interviews. I travelled ALOT. Most of all though, for the first time in years, I felt confident and professional. Those feelings soon disappeared of course within a few weeks of being back at the depot, but hey, it felt ok while it lasted. I am glad to be back with the boys though, knowing exactly what I am doing while being able to be 'me'.
In September I left the 'charity' I had been with for a year and set up my own not for profit organisation with the help of some very good friends. We officially launched on the 1st October and although we had a rough start with the move over, it now couldn't be going better. I am proud of my little baby and although its not yet taken over the world, that's ok because we are making a different slowly and surely.
Upon Butterfly Wings can be found via the website, Twitter Instagram and of course on Facebook. We provide hospitals within London and the South of England with knitted, crochet and sewn blankets, hats, wraps, teddies, booties and much much more for babies lost to early m/c all the way through to 3 months post full term birth (the neonatal period). As well as that, we also provide parents, grandparents and siblings with memory boxes post hospital. Its nice to be able to help someone else in a subtle but effective way but if it wasn't for the help of our crafters and others who donate and the whole UBW team, I know it would not have taken off.
I started counselling three weeks ago... something I thought I would never ever do again but something of which I am glad to be doing. The lady is lovely. Shes not patronising, she doesn't pretending to know what its like to lose a child and strangely a small percentage of our sessions so far have been around Bobby. Not through choice, she has managed to get things out of me which I'll be honest I didn't realise where an issue until spoken about. She says that although losing Bobby and not being able to fall pregnant again are two separate issues, my mind has twisted them into being the same thing and she is right. I couldn't see it before of course, but having her explain it to me and me taking a step back to analyse it, she does make sense. I guess its the old saying of not being able to see something clearly until its pointed out to you. Talking to a real life person instead of a computer screen has helped. Its easy to say 'I wish Id done it sooner' as in all honestly, I don't think I was ready, as I wasn't ready the first time a couple of months after his death. Something, I don't know what, feels different inside. Which is good of course.
Tuesday, 29 November 2011
Tuesday, 9 August 2011
Link Back 1#
This is a few weeks overdue so I apologise to Sydney over at Letters to Claire who has given me a Stylish Blog Award!
Its my first ever blog award since starting blogging back in *whispers* 2004, so thank you so much Sydney. Please go show Sydney and her Angel Claire some love.
Here are the rules:
Thank and link back to the person who awarded you this award. Share 10 things about yourself. Award 10 recently discovered great bloggers. Contact these bloggers and tell them about the award!
Things About Me
1. I am a Cancerian and I can honestly say that every trait a Cancerian is supposed have; I do. I’m a home body, I love my family and friends, I am very very sensitive, I am a worrier and I am extremely creative. Unfortunately I can also be quite a jealous person; something which I have thankfully learnt to control over the years and like an elephant, I never ever forget and I can hold a grudge for as long as needs be. I am a nice person though honest.
2. I moved to London from my home town in January 2000 after meeting my OH at work; he was born in London. I was 17 and he was 27 at the time and as you can imagine this didn’t go down too well with my parents but thankfully after nearly 13 years together, I think we have proved them wrong.
3. I can not drive but I am very worryingly starting driving lessons next month; once I have sent off for my provisional and brought a pair of glasses that is because I am very badly short-sighted.
4. I can not swim. I nearly drowned twice while having swimming lessons at school and I think that is why because ever since then I have had a very bad fear of the water. I did take swimming lessons 4 years ago with a friend who also couldn’t swim but I just could not overcome that fear and so I gave up. My friend however went on to learn. This subject has always been somewhat of a bug bear between the OH and I because he loves the water and just can not understand how I can have a fear of water which usually starts an argument.
5. I do not and never have held a passport. Yes this means that I have never been out of the UK but does this bother me? No not at all actually. You don’t need to be out of our own country to feel on holiday; its all about what you make it.
6. I have a birthmark right between my eyebrows. In my baby photos it is very prominent but as the years have gone by it has faded and with makeup you can not see it. However when I get very hot or angry it appears like a little red self destruct button
7. My Mums side is Romany Gypsy. Unfortunately it was my Brother who inherited the olive skin, black hair and deep dark brown eyes while I have been left with pale skin which hates the sun, curly light brown hair and green eyes which makes people ask if I am Irish which I find quite funny considering when you think of Gypsy you think of the Irish community of travellers who still exist today.
8. I used to be a very sporty person until the teenage years came along and I swapped sport for another activity starting with ‘s’; the sofa. At 16 I used to play hockey for my home town as the goalie and I can proudly state that I never once let a single ball in.
9. The OH and I have climbed Ben Nevis in Scotland twice. It took 8 hours to get up there and another 4 hours to get down. I admit to crying half way up but once you are there on the top it is the most wonderful feeling of self pride imaginable. What isn’t so fun though is when its dark and you get lost on the way down.
10. I have to add this simply because for some strange reason people seem to find it so fascinating that they constantly make comments about it. I have size 3 feet. They used to be a size 4 and I’ve noticed that the past few months I’ve found it hard to find a pair of 3’s which fit correctly so who knows; this time next year they may well be a size 2. My feet seem to shrink as my arse and belly grows … if only I could work out how to make it the other way around …
And the Awards Go To: I sadly admit to posting and running in the past; i.e. I post on my blog and do not take a moment each day to read others, however this past week I have been making an effort by putting Google Reader to good use during my lunch break and through GR have come across some fabulous blogs of all genres who have reminded me that there is a whole community out there: 1. Letters to Claire and no this isn't because she gave me the award.
Claire has a habit of writing posts which make me sit there and think 'yes that's what I think too', 'yes that's happened to me too' she has a knack of writing what I think and feel and by doing so, it makes her blog so easy to relate to. Her husband also contributes to the blog; something of which I have never seen before and something which I think is a brilliant idea because men do get forgotten despite the fact that our Angels have two parents not just us Mummies.
2. Lily's Mommy Forever As time goes on, I find it more difficult to relate to the 'new' Angel Mum blogs. Mainly because I have forgotten the initial raw pain in those first few months after Bobby died; thankfully. Because Jen is a year ahead, her blog is like reading into the future of what is yet to come in regards to emotions and life itself, which is very refreshing. Jen was also the first remembrance photo I received for Bobby of which I will forever be thankful for.
Its my first ever blog award since starting blogging back in *whispers* 2004, so thank you so much Sydney. Please go show Sydney and her Angel Claire some love.
Here are the rules:
Thank and link back to the person who awarded you this award. Share 10 things about yourself. Award 10 recently discovered great bloggers. Contact these bloggers and tell them about the award!
Things About Me
1. I am a Cancerian and I can honestly say that every trait a Cancerian is supposed have; I do. I’m a home body, I love my family and friends, I am very very sensitive, I am a worrier and I am extremely creative. Unfortunately I can also be quite a jealous person; something which I have thankfully learnt to control over the years and like an elephant, I never ever forget and I can hold a grudge for as long as needs be. I am a nice person though honest.
2. I moved to London from my home town in January 2000 after meeting my OH at work; he was born in London. I was 17 and he was 27 at the time and as you can imagine this didn’t go down too well with my parents but thankfully after nearly 13 years together, I think we have proved them wrong.
3. I can not drive but I am very worryingly starting driving lessons next month; once I have sent off for my provisional and brought a pair of glasses that is because I am very badly short-sighted.
4. I can not swim. I nearly drowned twice while having swimming lessons at school and I think that is why because ever since then I have had a very bad fear of the water. I did take swimming lessons 4 years ago with a friend who also couldn’t swim but I just could not overcome that fear and so I gave up. My friend however went on to learn. This subject has always been somewhat of a bug bear between the OH and I because he loves the water and just can not understand how I can have a fear of water which usually starts an argument.
5. I do not and never have held a passport. Yes this means that I have never been out of the UK but does this bother me? No not at all actually. You don’t need to be out of our own country to feel on holiday; its all about what you make it.
6. I have a birthmark right between my eyebrows. In my baby photos it is very prominent but as the years have gone by it has faded and with makeup you can not see it. However when I get very hot or angry it appears like a little red self destruct button
7. My Mums side is Romany Gypsy. Unfortunately it was my Brother who inherited the olive skin, black hair and deep dark brown eyes while I have been left with pale skin which hates the sun, curly light brown hair and green eyes which makes people ask if I am Irish which I find quite funny considering when you think of Gypsy you think of the Irish community of travellers who still exist today.
8. I used to be a very sporty person until the teenage years came along and I swapped sport for another activity starting with ‘s’; the sofa. At 16 I used to play hockey for my home town as the goalie and I can proudly state that I never once let a single ball in.
9. The OH and I have climbed Ben Nevis in Scotland twice. It took 8 hours to get up there and another 4 hours to get down. I admit to crying half way up but once you are there on the top it is the most wonderful feeling of self pride imaginable. What isn’t so fun though is when its dark and you get lost on the way down.
10. I have to add this simply because for some strange reason people seem to find it so fascinating that they constantly make comments about it. I have size 3 feet. They used to be a size 4 and I’ve noticed that the past few months I’ve found it hard to find a pair of 3’s which fit correctly so who knows; this time next year they may well be a size 2. My feet seem to shrink as my arse and belly grows … if only I could work out how to make it the other way around …
And the Awards Go To: I sadly admit to posting and running in the past; i.e. I post on my blog and do not take a moment each day to read others, however this past week I have been making an effort by putting Google Reader to good use during my lunch break and through GR have come across some fabulous blogs of all genres who have reminded me that there is a whole community out there: 1. Letters to Claire and no this isn't because she gave me the award.
Claire has a habit of writing posts which make me sit there and think 'yes that's what I think too', 'yes that's happened to me too' she has a knack of writing what I think and feel and by doing so, it makes her blog so easy to relate to. Her husband also contributes to the blog; something of which I have never seen before and something which I think is a brilliant idea because men do get forgotten despite the fact that our Angels have two parents not just us Mummies.
2. Lily's Mommy Forever As time goes on, I find it more difficult to relate to the 'new' Angel Mum blogs. Mainly because I have forgotten the initial raw pain in those first few months after Bobby died; thankfully. Because Jen is a year ahead, her blog is like reading into the future of what is yet to come in regards to emotions and life itself, which is very refreshing. Jen was also the first remembrance photo I received for Bobby of which I will forever be thankful for.
Tuesday, 5 July 2011
Bobbys 2nd Birthday
It was Bobby's 2nd birthday in Heaven on Sunday.
The build up as per last year wasn't so great. I cried myself to sleep a couple of times during the week, the usual tightness was there inside of my chest as was the fuzzy non-concentrating brain and on occasion my mind was forced to remember via flashbacks of that day.
On the day itself though I couldn't have felt anymore different.
We started the day in Homebase buying the fencing for his grave - I haven't posted for a while but since my last post we finally received Bobby's grave stone on the 1st July so we were able to finally make his grave as we had wanted to since he had been buried.
My OH dropped me and the fence off at the graveside while he went to pick his Mum up as she wanted to help us dig the grave over and place the stone and place everything else we had for him on there. Because the day was such a lovely hot day, I was able to sit down next to the grave on my own for the first time since he was buried. It was quite strange to be there alone and for the first time I felt able to talk to him out loud. I don't often talk to him in my head as it is so it was a new thing to do but it was a nice thing to do.
Once they had arrived, we started digging the initial layers of soil over and placing the fence. We then placed the stone on along with the windmills and the plant pots as well as sprinkling the ground with poppy seed which will hopefully grow sporadically by the time we next visit. After spending a couple of hours there we headed back to the MIL's and then back home where life carried on as usual.
Unlike last year though we did buy him a cake and light a candle of which my friend Kate had brought. My OH was very against this when I suggested it last year but for whatever reason he had nothing against it this year. Maybe he has accepted that this is it and that going along with it is easier then ignoring it or whatever, I don’t know but what I do know is that it was a 'nice' day. It was again nice to spend the day away from the computer, to spend the day without having anyone round and to spend the day with Bobby around us in the air. 
Bobby did receive some lovely birthday cards, sadly none of which were from any family or real life friends but he did receive eight in total from my Angel Mummy friends and from the other Lisa’s Stars Admin.Sadly I am unable to sign off this post without a little rant and I will most probably sound like a moaning minnie but as expected there were less wishes received then last year and those who sent cards last year, didn’t this year but on the up side those who didn’t send cards last year did this year and without wanting to dwell to much on others actions because it is upsetting to think about, we remembered him and that is all that counts.
We his parents will never ever forget him and no matter how many cards or wishes we receive he will not be coming back. I know that. We know that, but unfortunately the need for him to be remembered by others will always remain. After all I am expected - forced even maybe - to remember others children on their birthdays and frowned upon for not sending a card or buying a present but hey, that’s the life of an Angel Parent. It’s full of the constant whispering longing for your baby to come back, its full of the contradiction of others words against their actions and I expect that as the years roll on by he will receive less cards, there will be less wishes sent and I do sometimes wonder that if it wasn’t for Facebook, would he actually be remembered by those who are supposed to remember at all.
Maybe next year I will answer this question by not reminding people via a status or an event. We shall see.
Friday, 10 June 2011
Where I Am – 1 Year 11 Months
Many thanks to Angie from Still Life with Circles for the Right Where I Am project which allows women from all walks of life and at all stages of their loss to talk about where they are in their lives since ‘that’ day took place. Please pop over there and join in.
I can only remember small parts of the days, weeks and months after Bobby died and I am thankful for that because what I do remember bloody hurt, real bad. I am thankful for this blog because it allows me to look back occasionally and realise just how far I have come. For the first time since Friday 3rd July 2009, I really, honestly, hand on my heart, do feel ‘ok’ about life and where it is heading.
It is Bobby’s 2nd birthday in just under a month and this is the first major occasion which I have not built up to be a huge monster of a day.
Ok I am 2 stones heavier in weight since his death due to depressive eating and down right laziness but my mind is lighter. My emotions have been up and down from month to month (you only have to read the blog posts to witness this) but these past two-ish months have been the most consistent emotional wise since before he came into our lives.
The relationship between the OH and I has become more passionate since his death. Not passionate in a sexual way but when we argue there is passion behind it. Our arguments have meaning to them now where as before they were often petty and pointless. Having worked our way through all of the shit which the death of your child brings to your relationship, there is no longer that guilt or feeling of ‘does he blame me for what happened’. We are now able to speak about Bobby for what he is; our child. Gone has the feeling of not being able to speak about him for the fear of upsetting each other at the sound of his name. The lump at the back of the throat while trying to speak his name is no longer there. We are (finally) currently waiting for is memorial stone to be laid and I know for a fact this has helped me emotionally beyond words.
Work currently is the best it has ever been. Having started the job only two weeks after Bobby died I have grown as a person within it (the ‘new’ me) as much as the role has grown in regards to its responsibility around me.
Friends and family have not changed much since that day. If anything I have become closer to certain friends and family then ever before. They are all quick to provide virtual hugs even when not actually needed which can sometimes annoy me or make me chuckle but hey, a hug is a hug and each one has meaning behind it.
I am comfortable knowing that Bobby will always be remembered by these people no matter how many years pass. They have taken some wonderful photos especially to go into his birthday book of which I am most thankful for. Don’t get me wrong, some friends and family never have wanted to be involved with his remembrance, or even to this day do not feel comfortable for me to speak about him to them but do you know what, I’ve learnt to accept that and god help them if life throws them a shitty stick.
Helping others through Lisa’s Stars Charity has helped towards the above listed feelings beyond words. What better way to keep your baby's memory alive than to help others in the same position.
I understand this post most probably sounds as though I am walking around like a Princess in a Walt Disney movie but believe me this has been long time coming and boy its taken buckets of tears, manic depressive thoughts, a hell of a lot of weeks of feeling worthless as a woman and paranoid that my little man will be forgotten.
And so to cut out the crap and honestly respond to the statement in the title of this post - Where I Am ...
I am in the final stage of my grief ... I am in Acceptance. I have accepted that Bobby is dead, that our first and only Son died beyond our control and I have accepted that no matter how many tears I cry or wishes I make, he is not going to come back but that does not mean that he is not here.
And with that acceptance, comes the light of Where I truly Am.
I can only remember small parts of the days, weeks and months after Bobby died and I am thankful for that because what I do remember bloody hurt, real bad. I am thankful for this blog because it allows me to look back occasionally and realise just how far I have come. For the first time since Friday 3rd July 2009, I really, honestly, hand on my heart, do feel ‘ok’ about life and where it is heading.
It is Bobby’s 2nd birthday in just under a month and this is the first major occasion which I have not built up to be a huge monster of a day.
Ok I am 2 stones heavier in weight since his death due to depressive eating and down right laziness but my mind is lighter. My emotions have been up and down from month to month (you only have to read the blog posts to witness this) but these past two-ish months have been the most consistent emotional wise since before he came into our lives.
The relationship between the OH and I has become more passionate since his death. Not passionate in a sexual way but when we argue there is passion behind it. Our arguments have meaning to them now where as before they were often petty and pointless. Having worked our way through all of the shit which the death of your child brings to your relationship, there is no longer that guilt or feeling of ‘does he blame me for what happened’. We are now able to speak about Bobby for what he is; our child. Gone has the feeling of not being able to speak about him for the fear of upsetting each other at the sound of his name. The lump at the back of the throat while trying to speak his name is no longer there. We are (finally) currently waiting for is memorial stone to be laid and I know for a fact this has helped me emotionally beyond words.
Work currently is the best it has ever been. Having started the job only two weeks after Bobby died I have grown as a person within it (the ‘new’ me) as much as the role has grown in regards to its responsibility around me.
Friends and family have not changed much since that day. If anything I have become closer to certain friends and family then ever before. They are all quick to provide virtual hugs even when not actually needed which can sometimes annoy me or make me chuckle but hey, a hug is a hug and each one has meaning behind it.
I am comfortable knowing that Bobby will always be remembered by these people no matter how many years pass. They have taken some wonderful photos especially to go into his birthday book of which I am most thankful for. Don’t get me wrong, some friends and family never have wanted to be involved with his remembrance, or even to this day do not feel comfortable for me to speak about him to them but do you know what, I’ve learnt to accept that and god help them if life throws them a shitty stick.
Helping others through Lisa’s Stars Charity has helped towards the above listed feelings beyond words. What better way to keep your baby's memory alive than to help others in the same position.
I understand this post most probably sounds as though I am walking around like a Princess in a Walt Disney movie but believe me this has been long time coming and boy its taken buckets of tears, manic depressive thoughts, a hell of a lot of weeks of feeling worthless as a woman and paranoid that my little man will be forgotten.
And so to cut out the crap and honestly respond to the statement in the title of this post - Where I Am ...
I am in the final stage of my grief ... I am in Acceptance. I have accepted that Bobby is dead, that our first and only Son died beyond our control and I have accepted that no matter how many tears I cry or wishes I make, he is not going to come back but that does not mean that he is not here.
And with that acceptance, comes the light of Where I truly Am.
Wednesday, 1 June 2011
A Month Away
Wow it’s been a while.
It’s not so much the fact that it’s been nearly a month since the last post; it is more the fact that I am typing this on my work computer. They blocked Blogger more than six months ago so I am not sure how Ive managed to get back on here today. Hey, I’m not complaining.
The past month has been hectic to say the least.
Lisas Stars has taken off in dramatic style which is fantastic. As well as still being a part of the London Regional Rep Team I have fallen into the role of helping to enlist new Representatives. Its amazing how much can get done with people taking time out to help us and asking for nothing in return.
The OH and I are having a 'date night' tonight. A very much needed evening together where the arguments will hopefully be replaced with DTD!
Speaking of which the TTC isn’t really going that well but then what can I expect when my ever growing fat a * se is sat in one spot all night on the sofa in front of the laptop when it should be sat on something else making babies! To be honest, everything to do with ‘baby making’ has been pushed to the back of my mind simply because there is no room left for it due to it being ever filled with things to remember for Lisas Stars and work in general lol. For the first time in months I don’t feel weighed down by not being pregnant.
It is my 30th birthday in exactly 39 days *rolls eyes* and so, unhappy with my weight/dress size/hormones etc I have this week started to do something about it.
I have signed myself up to walk half a marathon in and around the streets of Battersea on the 24th July in just my bra and jogging bottoms. The intention was good at first but as it draws nearer and as Ive yet to do something to make sure I don’t give the public a shock of their lives, the butterflies have kicked in.
My best friend and I started attending Zumba classes twice a week quite some weeks back now which is great fun. Well one of the classes is I should say. Monday's class is held in a working mans club hall by a ‘proper’ dance teacher who is brilliant and the amount of sweat that pours out of this body is amazing. The fact that the hall is small and there are only around 20 people at each class means that you can see and hear what is going on, which helps greatly when you are trying to learn new steps. I could quite happily attend her class everyday if it wasn’t for the fact that she doesn’t hold them everyday... :/
Thursday night’s class however is different in many ways. It is held in the gym hall by an aerobic instructor and as we are always forced to the back of the hall where we can see and hear nothing, we often find ourselves spending the 45 minuets laughing or getting annoyed because we have no idea WTF is going on. I hate Thursday's class infact. So much so that I’m joining the gym next week and will replace the Zumba for a gym session.
I started a new ‘diet’ yesterday. Ok its not a diet, it’s a ‘stop eating 12 chocolate bars and drinking 20 cans of coke a day, get off your a * se and cut your portion sizes down you lard tart’ healthy eating plan.
Ive also started taking multivitamins, iron and evening primrose oil too to give the old body a boost. Fingers crossed the public will not be shocked!
Away from the diet and work, we finally ordered Bobbys grave stone two weeks ago. I am sure when it is placed I will feel sad at finally seeing it, but knowing that its ordered and that he will finally have a beautiful place to rest in makes me feel happy. It’s a simple stone of 12x6x6 in white with black lettering; with a butterfly in the top right hand corner but simple is what we wanted. The OH’s friend is a stone mason so has thankfully given us the stone for free, so all we have had to pay for is the lettering and for it to be laid.
If it wasn’t for his friend I don’t think we would have ever been able to afford a stone but I have my fingers crossed that is is made and laid in time for his 2nd birthday on the 3rd July.
It’s ridiculous how much money death can make and cost someone. Financially as well as emotionally.
It’s not so much the fact that it’s been nearly a month since the last post; it is more the fact that I am typing this on my work computer. They blocked Blogger more than six months ago so I am not sure how Ive managed to get back on here today. Hey, I’m not complaining.
The past month has been hectic to say the least.
Lisas Stars has taken off in dramatic style which is fantastic. As well as still being a part of the London Regional Rep Team I have fallen into the role of helping to enlist new Representatives. Its amazing how much can get done with people taking time out to help us and asking for nothing in return.
The OH and I are having a 'date night' tonight. A very much needed evening together where the arguments will hopefully be replaced with DTD!
Speaking of which the TTC isn’t really going that well but then what can I expect when my ever growing fat a * se is sat in one spot all night on the sofa in front of the laptop when it should be sat on something else making babies! To be honest, everything to do with ‘baby making’ has been pushed to the back of my mind simply because there is no room left for it due to it being ever filled with things to remember for Lisas Stars and work in general lol. For the first time in months I don’t feel weighed down by not being pregnant.
It is my 30th birthday in exactly 39 days *rolls eyes* and so, unhappy with my weight/dress size/hormones etc I have this week started to do something about it.
I have signed myself up to walk half a marathon in and around the streets of Battersea on the 24th July in just my bra and jogging bottoms. The intention was good at first but as it draws nearer and as Ive yet to do something to make sure I don’t give the public a shock of their lives, the butterflies have kicked in.
My best friend and I started attending Zumba classes twice a week quite some weeks back now which is great fun. Well one of the classes is I should say. Monday's class is held in a working mans club hall by a ‘proper’ dance teacher who is brilliant and the amount of sweat that pours out of this body is amazing. The fact that the hall is small and there are only around 20 people at each class means that you can see and hear what is going on, which helps greatly when you are trying to learn new steps. I could quite happily attend her class everyday if it wasn’t for the fact that she doesn’t hold them everyday... :/
Thursday night’s class however is different in many ways. It is held in the gym hall by an aerobic instructor and as we are always forced to the back of the hall where we can see and hear nothing, we often find ourselves spending the 45 minuets laughing or getting annoyed because we have no idea WTF is going on. I hate Thursday's class infact. So much so that I’m joining the gym next week and will replace the Zumba for a gym session.
I started a new ‘diet’ yesterday. Ok its not a diet, it’s a ‘stop eating 12 chocolate bars and drinking 20 cans of coke a day, get off your a * se and cut your portion sizes down you lard tart’ healthy eating plan.
Ive also started taking multivitamins, iron and evening primrose oil too to give the old body a boost. Fingers crossed the public will not be shocked!
Away from the diet and work, we finally ordered Bobbys grave stone two weeks ago. I am sure when it is placed I will feel sad at finally seeing it, but knowing that its ordered and that he will finally have a beautiful place to rest in makes me feel happy. It’s a simple stone of 12x6x6 in white with black lettering; with a butterfly in the top right hand corner but simple is what we wanted. The OH’s friend is a stone mason so has thankfully given us the stone for free, so all we have had to pay for is the lettering and for it to be laid.
If it wasn’t for his friend I don’t think we would have ever been able to afford a stone but I have my fingers crossed that is is made and laid in time for his 2nd birthday on the 3rd July.
It’s ridiculous how much money death can make and cost someone. Financially as well as emotionally.
Wednesday, 11 May 2011
Fcuk this Siht
Why do I do it to myself.
Why do I let people I dont even know upset me.
A post written yesturday from a woman on my old birth board saying they started TTC two weeks ago and today; she has a BFP.
2 weeks vs 22 months. Whats with that. Why her when she already has two healthy childen; one the age Bobby should be at now and shes been gifted with yet another without even trying???
WTF DO I NEED TO DO TO BE ALLOWED TO HAVE ONE?????? WTF IS WRONG WITH ME!!!!!
Why do I let people I dont even know upset me.
A post written yesturday from a woman on my old birth board saying they started TTC two weeks ago and today; she has a BFP.
2 weeks vs 22 months. Whats with that. Why her when she already has two healthy childen; one the age Bobby should be at now and shes been gifted with yet another without even trying???
WTF DO I NEED TO DO TO BE ALLOWED TO HAVE ONE?????? WTF IS WRONG WITH ME!!!!!
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